ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
No thoughts could enter his mind, but if he could wish for something, it would be for nothing at all. There was no longer any desire in his heart, for at last it's flame had dissolved in streams of blood it had ignored. The monster inside him was gone, as too himself.
Their grip tighten around his wrist, and they pulled him forward deeper against the stone pavement. He could feel the glares of the imperial guard intense with hatred run across his browned bare back and almost singe his white speckled wings to pieces. Their powder white uniform were purelessly clean, the buttons reflecting the high noon sun also evilly.
Thrown onto the silver platform, guards surrounded his busily clicking chains around his feet, hands, and finally his neck. Ropes rubbed angrily against his feathers, and a few fell to the ground sparingly. He looked up into the face of his undiscovered equal.
People of White called him their steel hero; People of Red called him the brutal monster. His eyes were black as coal, but no warmth could ever be found to radiate from them. His skin was pale, as blood would be required to have color. He almost smiled as his massive hands unrolled a scroll and he called aloud.
"This Unnamed Villain of Red as been brought forth here today to receive final punishment for his sins. He has spill the blood of our soldiers violently and erratically with no remorse. Hundreds of us have fallen at his sharpened hands as he smiles. Death by axe hand," He tilted his head slightly as his silver axe gleamed at his side, "is the usual punishment for this, but for this man, the punishment must be much more serve than death. Death is too easy." His face boomed across the crowd, making the prisoner's mind come back to some degree. "His wings shall be shattered instead."
The prisoner's scarlet eyes opened wide and he been to shutter incomprehensibly, again to form a proper thought. The roped unraveled from his wings, and instinctively they began beating in a frenzy. Guards screamed as the scrambled to grab them back in place.
"Kill me! I pray to God, just kill me!" The prisoner began to screech. He had never screamed so loud as the guards pulled his wings to across the platform. It took five man on each side to hold them out and one more to hold his head still. "Please! Please! Death is enough!"
A single tear escaped him and ran down his cheek as the crunching enveloped his ears, mind, and soul.
Their grip tighten around his wrist, and they pulled him forward deeper against the stone pavement. He could feel the glares of the imperial guard intense with hatred run across his browned bare back and almost singe his white speckled wings to pieces. Their powder white uniform were purelessly clean, the buttons reflecting the high noon sun also evilly.
Thrown onto the silver platform, guards surrounded his busily clicking chains around his feet, hands, and finally his neck. Ropes rubbed angrily against his feathers, and a few fell to the ground sparingly. He looked up into the face of his undiscovered equal.
People of White called him their steel hero; People of Red called him the brutal monster. His eyes were black as coal, but no warmth could ever be found to radiate from them. His skin was pale, as blood would be required to have color. He almost smiled as his massive hands unrolled a scroll and he called aloud.
"This Unnamed Villain of Red as been brought forth here today to receive final punishment for his sins. He has spill the blood of our soldiers violently and erratically with no remorse. Hundreds of us have fallen at his sharpened hands as he smiles. Death by axe hand," He tilted his head slightly as his silver axe gleamed at his side, "is the usual punishment for this, but for this man, the punishment must be much more serve than death. Death is too easy." His face boomed across the crowd, making the prisoner's mind come back to some degree. "His wings shall be shattered instead."
The prisoner's scarlet eyes opened wide and he been to shutter incomprehensibly, again to form a proper thought. The roped unraveled from his wings, and instinctively they began beating in a frenzy. Guards screamed as the scrambled to grab them back in place.
"Kill me! I pray to God, just kill me!" The prisoner began to screech. He had never screamed so loud as the guards pulled his wings to across the platform. It took five man on each side to hold them out and one more to hold his head still. "Please! Please! Death is enough!"
A single tear escaped him and ran down his cheek as the crunching enveloped his ears, mind, and soul.
Suggested Collections
Featured in Groups
First thing I've actually written in a long time.
I hope it's not too bad.
This is another part of my "story" based off Wonderland.
CRITIQUES ARE LOVED HERE!
I hope it's not too bad.
This is another part of my "story" based off Wonderland.
CRITIQUES ARE LOVED HERE!
© 2012 - 2024 AnemoneInTheSky
Comments20
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactI came upon this in the Literature Critique thread, so I hope you don't mind me commenting. Please ignore the star rating. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>I think you've created a really interesting world here! I'd definitely like to read more to see what else you've imagined. The rivalry between the White and the Red sort of reminds me of the cards in Alice in Wonderland. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Big Grin)"/>I have some suggestions for improving the piece -- some of them are nitpicky grammatical things (because I am crazy <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/l/l…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title="LOL"/>), and some of them are more developmental:- In the first sentence, I think you're missing a "he" in "but if could wish for something" etc.
- "it's flame" should read as "its."
- "Their grip tighten around his wrist": should be "tightens."
- "Their powder white uniform": should be "uniforms."
- In that same sentence, I'm not sure what you mean by "purelessly," since it suggests they're not pure, and yet they're white, which is usually a pure color? I think there might be a better way to get at what you're saying.
- "the buttons reflecting the high noon sun also evilly": I don't think you need to tell us that these people are evil. I definitely already get that sense from the bits before where you tell us that they're glaring, which already suggests something sinister is going on with them.
- "guards surrounded his busily clicking chains around his feet" etc.: I think this might be clearer if you said something like, "guards surrounded his feet, hands, and finally his neck with busily clicking chains."
- "He has spill the blood": should be "spilled."
- "He tilted his head": "He" should be lowercase, "he."
- "he been to shutter incomprehensibly": I think you might have meant "he began to shudder uncontrollably?" "Incomprehensively" suggests that people don't know why he's shaking, but I think we do, because getting your wings shattered sounds awful!
- "screamed as the scrambled": should be "they."
- "It took five man on each side": should be "men."
- I got a little confused at the transition between talking about the prisoner at the beginning, and then talking about the executioner once the prisoner is thrown onto the platform, probably because both are "he." I think there might be a way to make that a bit clearer.
- You use a lot of adverbs throughout, like "angrily" and "sparingly." I think it would be better if instead of using so many adverbs, you provided concrete images instead, because that allows the reader to visualize the scene even better. Think of it a bit like poetry -- what would be a good metaphor to show that the feathers were falling sparingly? Like snow flurries? Or petals? Or something less cliche than my suggestions, those are just off the top of my head.
- At the end, we know the prisoner is undergoing something horrible. The crunching is gruesome, but I'd like to see more of why it's so horrible. Does it hurt a lot? What does it take away from the character -- his honor or manhood or something? Things like that.
I hope these suggestions are helpful to you! I'd really love to see you expand on this piece if you decide to revisit it. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>