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:iconanemoneinthesky: More from AnemoneInTheSky


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December 22, 2012
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      His breathing was so rapid by this point that it was the only thing he could hear. He couldn't hear his footsteps racing against the stone, the creak of his lantern, nor the ever so growing scream of the beast.

      It wasn't so long ago that he had been sitting on the bank side with his friend, chatting oh so carelessly about how life was rolling along. They laughed at old memories of childhood and began constantly murmuring about their great ambitions. The friend had just received management of an old bank outside of Edinburgh, and he himself had just proposed to dear Marjorie, the daughter of a wealthy merchant. "La vie est belle." He remembered saying.

      The sweat now plastered his dark hair to his face and burned his eyes. His lips were hard and chalked from dehydration. Oil from the lantern had spilled upon his fingers; burning and melting the skin so it clung to its rusted handle. At this moment, he no longer had any conscious decision and only knew but to run.

       The moment he remembered his beautiful Marjorie is when he tripped. He was now unable to move, his body suddenly giving up. He felt the blood pool around his face as it stained the cobblestone flooring, and when the metallic smell reached his noise, a creature howled, shaking the corridor. This was enough to give him the strength to at least pull himself up against the wall.

      It now stared him in the face, saliva dripping from its snout. With one deep intake of the smell of blood that radiated from his cheek, it revealed it's yellow and decaying teeth. He could now hear something other than his breathing, and that was his last scream.
15 minute quick since I'm getting so rusty. I'd love to get some critiques!

:iconsuperheroplz:
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:iconbabygotback456:
I thought what you wrote here was very good! I like the way you used the 3rd person perspective to really help this visually come to life. There are some ways you might want to improve on making the reader really feel apart of the terror that needs to grip them in scenes like this one, but over all this piece is really great! Another thing I love about this is the wording. I felt that I was really was in an older time with the use of the words like lantern and cobblestone and just the way you set up some up the sentences are amazing! I hope you keep writing because this is something that shows you have what it takes to be a great writer.
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:iconstarhavenstudios:
This story has some great moments, from his chase to last positive memory before his (I assume) demise. You have captured every moment wonderfully.

I, however, would recommend clarifying and putting some more detail in the main character's situation. I wonder how his breathing could be louder than a beast's scream, especially if it's growing. I also would like to know if he is unable to move from the fear or from the fall after thinking of his beloved. Put some more into his emotions like feeling hopeless that he would never see his lover again.

Overall, this is a great piece you have there.
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2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconaddiline:
Addiline Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is very VERY good. Each paragraph captured a new and unique emotion, and milked it for all of its worth. It may be very short and simple, but the story told within those five small paragraphs was long and intense. Brilliant job!
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:icondarkdemonangel17:
DarkDemonAngel17 Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Omg this is amazing!!! I will write a critique as soon as I'm able to get on a computer because I'm on my phone write now and my phone keeps on freaking out when I try to write a critique
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:icondarkdemonangel17:
DarkDemonAngel17 Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I just wanted to let you know how amazing I thought it was as soon as I read it :).
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:iconthursdayman:
thursdayman Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Excellent short story. It is effective largely for its tightness and tautness. Rather than waste of lot of time and energy creating an abundance of detail and background story, you cut to the chase--literally--mixing memories, recent and past, with visceral fear and physical exhaustion. Well done.
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:iconilovereadingg:
iLoveReadingg Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is like... amazing! I loved it! And even though I like short stories, I would love to read a book that ends like this. Also, the title, I mean ”The last scream”, that's meant to be a bestseller! I would buy a book with this title and story. Great job!
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:iconanemoneinthesky:
AnemoneInTheSky Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Student Writer
Seriously, waking up and reading this is the best thing ever. I'm so happy you liked it, comments like these is what keeps me believing in myself.
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:iconazurekate:
AzureKate Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
that was pretty cool hehe... i love short ones like this because then i can go wild with my imagination and think up stuff as to why its happening and blah blah blah....
nice job anyway lol
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:iconanemoneinthesky:
AnemoneInTheSky Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :iconbigsmileplz:
I tend to like the short ones for the same reason.
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:iconazurekate:
AzureKate Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
yeah its fun to mess around with that kind of stuff haha...you think....hmm i wonder why this is happening *daydream*
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:iconzonayluss4evah:
ZoNAyluss4Evah Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012
I enjoyed this... in a dark sort of way... :)
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