Sta.sh
His breathing was so rapid by this point that it was the only thing he could hear. He couldn't hear his footsteps racing against the stone, the creak of his lantern, nor the ever so growing scream of the beast.
It wasn't so long ago that he had been sitting on the bank side with his friend, chatting oh so carelessly about how life was rolling along. They laughed at old memories of childhood and began constantly murmuring about their great ambitions. The friend had just received management of an old bank outside of Edinburgh, and he himself had just proposed to dear Marjorie, the daughter of a wealthy merchant. "La vie est belle." He remembered saying.
The sweat now plastered his dark hair to his face and burned his eyes. His lips were hard and chalked from dehydration. Oil from the lantern had spilled upon his fingers; burning and melting the skin so it clung to its rusted handle. At this moment, he no longer had any conscious decision and only knew but to run.
The moment he remembered his beautiful Marjorie is when he tripped. He was now unable to move, his body suddenly giving up. He felt the blood pool around his face as it stained the cobblestone flooring, and when the metallic smell reached his noise, a creature howled, shaking the corridor. This was enough to give him the strength to at least pull himself up against the wall.
It now stared him in the face, saliva dripping from its snout. With one deep intake of the smell of blood that radiated from his cheek, it revealed it's yellow and decaying teeth. He could now hear something other than his breathing, and that was his last scream.
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I'm glad you did, even if it was in a sorta dark way!
In just about five paragraphs, you have managed to write about the dread and regret the person is feeling at the moment, and how he wishes he it with Marjorie instead of being there, and how it all ends rather abruptly and tragically.
Of course, part of this story's appeal is that you left some details out, like how did he get there? What is this creature that's chasing him around? What is this place he got stuck in, and why is he there in the first place?
And by cutting it short, you've made it really effective, with the feeling of terror giving away to a slight sliver of hope, before it gets cut short in a rather gruesome manner.
I, however, would recommend clarifying and putting some more detail in the main character's situation. I wonder how his breathing could be louder than a beast's scream, especially if it's growing. I also would like to know if he is unable to move from the fear or from the fall after thinking of his beloved. Put some more into his emotions like feeling hopeless that he would never see his lover again.
Overall, this is a great piece you have there.
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