Initially, I thought there would be a lot more great deal of pain when it came to dying. But in the end, it only was an intense heavy and numb feeling, almost like you were hit in the head with a large block of ice. The only notion really that I was really even dying was the metallic taste in my mouth, and the haze in my eyes. I looked at her, her young girlish features tainted by the splatter of my blood. Her eyes remained opened, as if she were to be strangled, and her mouth twitched wildly, most likely from shock. It was sad that that was going to be the expression she wore the last time I saw her. I really don't think I had ever seen anyone as scared as she was at that moment, and if I had had time to reflect on it, I would have been frightened too. With a great jolt, I felt the muscles in my body let go, giving up on my hope. As I fell on top of her, I managed to whisper,
This is freaking amazing. Its probably one of the best thing you have written (that I have read) so far.
One thing bothered me about the first sentence though. "Initially, I thought there would be a lot more great deal of pain..." that part sounds a little off to me. But as you know I am terrible at grammar so I might be wrong.
This was really really good. Like you don't know how amazing this is . I sitting here trying not to cry. I can imagine everything perfectly, so good job on that part .
Oh in the second sentence, I know it wasn't intentional but "a intense" should be "an intense".
This is all I've got to say. AMAZING JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First of all, I don't think that you should call this a fan fiction. There's nothing in the work to indicate that these characters nor the setting are from Lewis Carrol's work. I had absolutely no idea until I got to the end and read the description that the piece was about Alice from Wonderland and the Cheshire cat.
The first sentence did a pretty good job of grabbing my attention. I immediately wanted to know who was dying and what happened to them and who the narrator was. I liked the imagery, her young, girlish features tainted by the splatter of my blood. I like the imagery overall.
I was a little confused by the fact that the narrator fell on top of Alice. I got the impression reading through that he was laying on the ground, looking up at her.
1. Initially, I thought... It is my opinion that you could lose the word "initially" here and take nothing away from the sentence. Suggestion: "I always thought there would be..."
2. But in the end, it was only... While it probably is not really grammatically incorrect to start a sentence with the word "but", in this particular instance it feels choppy to me and breaks up the flow. Suggestion: In the end, though, it was only...
3. intense heavy and numb feeling... The idea of an "intense" "numb" feeling is a bit contradictory, is it not? Suggestion: heavy, numb feeling...
4. The only notion... I feel like a better word or phrase than "notion" could be used here: Suggestions: The only indication that I was... I only really knew that I was dying by the... The only evidence that I was...
5. the haze in my eyes.¶I looked at her... Even if it is very short, I feel a paragraph break or two would still be appropriate.
6. as if she were to be strangled... This line confused the daylights out of me. I don't associate open eyes with imminent strangulation.
7. that that Repeated words sound awkward. Same with had had. (I know it may be technically correct, but it could flow better.)
8. "Goodbye, Alice." Have a comma!
Overall, interesting piece. Short and sweet. I'd like to see it expanded, and maybe even incorporate a stream-of-consciousness kind of technique instead of the first person narrative approach, or a 3rd-person-omnicient POV (it sort of bothers me a bit that it's written in first person, past tense, by a narrator who seems to die at the end).
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scheinbar is a much-loved and well-known deviant. Just one look at her gallery, filled with enchanting photography, will have you mesmerized. A deviant for over 7 years, Christiane can always be found posting inspirational features as well as regularly commenting on other deviations and encouraging and empowering her fellow deviants. We are inspired and insist that you too stop by and congratulate ... Read More