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:iconanemoneinthesky: More from AnemoneInTheSky


Submitted on
August 9, 2012
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18 (who?)
Initially, I thought there would be a lot more great deal of pain when it came to dying. But in the end, it only was an intense heavy and numb feeling, almost like you were hit in the head with a large block of ice. The only notion really that I was really even dying was the metallic taste in my mouth, and the haze in my eyes. I looked at her, her young girlish features tainted by the splatter of my blood. Her eyes remained opened, as if she were to be strangled, and her mouth twitched wildly, most likely from shock. It was sad that that was going to be the expression she wore the last time I saw her. I really don't think I had ever seen anyone as scared as she was at that moment, and if I had had time to reflect on it, I would have been frightened too. With a great jolt, I felt the muscles in my body let go, giving up on my hope. As I fell on top of her, I managed to whisper,

"Goodbye Alice."
I know it's incredibly short, but this was one of the only things I've written that I was actually super fond of.

Cheshire and his goodbye to Alice.

Yeah. Feels. I feels everywhere about my own characters.
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This is freaking amazing. Its probably one of the best thing you have written (that I have read) so far.

One thing bothered me about the first sentence though. "Initially, I thought there would be a lot more great deal of pain..." that part sounds a little off to me. But as you know I am terrible at grammar so I might be wrong:P.

This was really really good. Like you don't know how amazing this is :). I sitting here trying not to cry. I can imagine everything perfectly, so good job on that part ;).

Oh in the second sentence, I know it wasn't intentional but "a intense" should be "an intense".

This is all I've got to say. AMAZING JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

First of all, I don't think that you should call this a fan fiction. There's nothing in the work to indicate that these characters nor the setting are from Lewis Carrol's work. I had absolutely no idea until I got to the end and read the description that the piece was about Alice from Wonderland and the Cheshire cat.

The first sentence did a pretty good job of grabbing my attention. I immediately wanted to know who was dying and what happened to them and who the narrator was. I liked the imagery, her young, girlish features tainted by the splatter of my blood. I like the imagery overall.

I was a little confused by the fact that the narrator fell on top of Alice. I got the impression reading through that he was laying on the ground, looking up at her.

Other stuff:

1. Initially, I thought... It is my opinion that you could lose the word "initially" here and take nothing away from the sentence. Suggestion: "I always thought there would be..."

2. But in the end, it was only... While it probably is not really grammatically incorrect to start a sentence with the word "but", in this particular instance it feels choppy to me and breaks up the flow.
Suggestion: In the end, though, it was only...

3. intense heavy and numb feeling... The idea of an "intense" "numb" feeling is a bit contradictory, is it not?
Suggestion: heavy, numb feeling...

4. The only notion... I feel like a better word or phrase than "notion" could be used here:
The only indication that I was...
I only really knew that I was dying by the...
The only evidence that I was...

5. the haze in my eyes.¶I looked at her... Even if it is very short, I feel a paragraph break or two would still be appropriate.

6. as if she were to be strangled... This line confused the daylights out of me. I don't associate open eyes with imminent strangulation.

7. that that Repeated words sound awkward. Same with had had. (I know it may be technically correct, but it could flow better.)

8. "Goodbye, Alice." Have a comma!

Overall, interesting piece. Short and sweet. I'd like to see it expanded, and maybe even incorporate a stream-of-consciousness kind of technique instead of the first person narrative approach, or a 3rd-person-omnicient POV (it sort of bothers me a bit that it's written in first person, past tense, by a narrator who seems to die at the end).
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

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MurdocNisGod666 Oct 11, 2012  Student General Artist
Awwwww!!!! thats too good!!!!
AnemoneInTheSky Dec 15, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! *huggles*
MurdocNisGod666 Dec 19, 2012  Student General Artist
Addiline Oct 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I felt feels. Good job.
Awe, lovely piece, quite sad as well
MurdocNisGod666 Nov 12, 2012  Student General Artist
I second that!!
AnemoneInTheSky Aug 20, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you for the compliment!!!
^__^ You're welcome
IzzyBelle13 Aug 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Cheshire! NOOOO!!!!
This is really good! ^^
AnemoneInTheSky Aug 11, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you!
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