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:iconanemoneinthesky: More from AnemoneInTheSky


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December 23, 2012
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Her small hands
wrapped around the bars so tighly
She stares out into the sky
stars shimmering so brightly



She dreams of life
of freedom and happiness
She dreams of hope
of a future and prosperity



Dreams of adventure
of other worlds and people
Dreams of him
her unnamed knight



She ignores the truth
Of the world and agony
She ignores her fingers
freezing to the metal




She ignores the fact her dreams are not reality
I know it's hard to believe, but this is my first poem I've ever written

I had no idea what I was doing, so don't yell at me.

Can y'all help me and tell me what I've done wrong? :iconcritiqueplease:
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:iconreflectionsinwater:
Hi!

Let me start of by saying that this poem, while not the greatest definitely has so much potential. The main problem in here is focus. You're focusing on a lot of abstract ideas, so it would help if you narrow it down to a specific image and then exploring all the ideas associated with that image. For instance, instead of exploring al the ideas of life, adventure, and love, just pick one and explore in detail one. While I don't think the scenario of being stuck to a frozen bar may be necessarily original, this is where you can make it original. Expand that image. Describe what makes it oppressive and let the atmosphere convey this expression.

I do like the last line however because of how simple is is, but solid statement it is. I think you could use that to your advantage. Describe how bad the world is and try to imply that she is trying to ignore it. Overall, though as a first try, there's just this certain feel to it that (hm.... i don't know how to say it, but its good :) )
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconstarhavenstudios:
Ah, a nice poem of hope and wishes. It's a nice creative approach to a damsel-in-distress, waiting for her knight in shining armor. Or, at least, a hopeful waiting for a miracle to arrive.

I think, in order to bring more impact to this poem, you should elaborate on these dreams. Don't be afraid of bringing concrete ideas. For example, her unnamed knight could be her best friend or a prince she remembered in a fairytale she heard long ago. Her hope could be a little house with the red door, with a family she would raise living in it.

Your poem is very sweet, and I hope you continue writing more.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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:icondorianharper:
DorianHarper Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Professional Writer
Beautiful! I'm surprised that this is your first poem! Very well written :aww:

The only bit of critique that I'd have would be to keep a structure straight for it. The first stanza had a rhyme scheme to it which gets lost in the second. Perhaps keeping the rhyme or eliminating it all together could keep the structure consistent and bring the piece together better.

Overall, though, aside from that, you have a very well written poem for your first attempt! Definitely continue working on poetry-- you've got a knack for it!

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:iconanemoneinthesky:
AnemoneInTheSky Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! >.<
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:iconsilencedbook9:
Silencedbook9 Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Student Writer
I loved it!!!!! It was short and right the point and the ending caught everyone off guard!!!!! Good job. Excellent job.
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:iconanemoneinthesky:
AnemoneInTheSky Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student Writer
Thanx Dana!
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:iconzonayluss4evah:
ZoNAyluss4Evah Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012
Awww... sounds a little like my friend. I loves it~ :)
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:iconanemoneinthesky:
AnemoneInTheSky Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Student Writer
She does? Yay!!!!
*still confused why everybody likes this*
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:iconmechanicmocha:
MechanicMocha Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I...I...YOU ONLY MADE ME COME HERE TO CRYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ; u; THIS IS AMAZING!!!! What can I critique!!!???
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:iconanemoneinthesky:
AnemoneInTheSky Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Student Writer
Bu-but.
I MESSED UP EVERYTHING
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:iconmechanicmocha:
MechanicMocha Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
HOW?!
Reply
:iconanemoneinthesky:
AnemoneInTheSky Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Student Writer
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING
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