I note that you mentioned this is your first attempt at writing a poem, well done if that's the case, you've got a nice idea going here. I think that because your first verse starts off with a rhyme, it sort of sets up the rest of the piece and you don't follow through with the same pattern. So perhaps look at maybe changing your first verse slightly to be in keeping with the 'free verse' theme of the rest of the poem and the category you've placed it in here on deviantART. You've got some nice alliteration in the first verse which is great, stars shimmering.
The second verse is nice, it's to the point, succinct and fairly simple in stanzas. Again with the third verse this pattern works well. I like how you've kept linear with your use of 'dreams.' The final verse is slightly different in appearance but again reads well. However you seem to have ended this with the one line at the bottom that doesn't fit in well with the rest of it. Maybe consider making this into a final verse? However I like the theme throughout the poem, the idea of dreams and that at the end she's steadfastly ignoring the fact that they aren't reality. So you've got a really nice underlying idea going on here - well done for that!
Hello there, my name’s Ed and, after seeing your request for critiques on the Literature Forums, I thought I’d offer my thoughts on your piece. Here goes!
I liked it. It was simple and effective. Your technique is good, but you can still push it further. As a first poem, congratulations! It’s so much better than I could have done as a first poem. It’s nice to see that you’ve abandoned rhyme, but kept some sort of structure. But, like I explain later, once you have the structure, it’s even more fun to break it.
Some comments about the poem: Her small hands wrapped around the bars so tighly – (tightly)(clever using enjambment to ‘wrap’ across the line!) She stares out into the sky stars shimmering so brightly – (good use of alliteration, the plosive sound of the ‘b’ ends the stanza well. You’ve got a good sense of assonance too.)
(You categorized this as free verse, so you can play with that more. For example…)
She dreams of life of freedom and happiness She dreams of hope of a future and prosperity
Freedom and happiness Life A prosperous future Hope’
(Every word in a poem has been chosen for a purpose, so erroneous ‘of’s and ‘she’s don’t really add anything. This is true with prose too, to an extent anyway.)
Dreams of adventure of other worlds(comma) otherand people Dreams of him - (good change of repetition) her unnamed knight – (again, nice assonance)
She ignores the truth – (interesting that even though she ‘ignores’ the world (the bad things), she still thinks about agony) (lower case o)f the world and //Agony – (it makes it more poignant) She ignores her fingers freezing to the metal – (the alliterated enjambment saves this line from being slightly dull )
She ignores the fact her dreams are not reality – (amazing last line)
The lack of punctuation works really well to visually show that her thoughts are free, and they can move from one thing to the next without constriction.
One of the best things you can do in poetry is set up a condition for the piece, say a rhythm, and then break it. It plays with our expectations and keeps us intrigued. You can change the four lined stanzas into more if you want, to keep things fresh!
Overall, you work really well with descriptions, and with a few simple words you’ve managed to start building the girl’s longing for freedom. It doesn’t matter why she’s caught, only her will to be saved by some ‘knight’. Maybe it’s a princess trapped in a tower? You don’t ever talk about her surroundings. It might be nice to see a contrast to the ‘shimmering stars’ to the oppressive cell, or prison she finds herself in.
Let me know if you have any questions!
I’m going to leave you with a request. If you thought that critique was helpful to you, please join either #GrammarNaziCritiques or #SuperWritersHelp (or both!) where we offer critiques like this to anyone who submits their work. It’s part of our aim to help the wider community progress their writing skills. We’d love to see you there!
Beautiful! I'm surprised that this is your first poem! Very well written
The only bit of critique that I'd have would be to keep a structure straight for it. The first stanza had a rhyme scheme to it which gets lost in the second. Perhaps keeping the rhyme or eliminating it all together could keep the structure consistent and bring the piece together better.
Overall, though, aside from that, you have a very well written poem for your first attempt! Definitely continue working on poetry-- you've got a knack for it!
REALLY bad for being
AWOL from dA, the
partially for my
again, but this time
for real ;n; In any
case, I hope this
suffice for my
leave.. :points: 300
wandering in the
a beautiful letter
written by Sergio
Larrain in 1982 to
his nephew, who had
Larrain where to
begin to become a
and foremost, you
have to have a
camera that fits you
well, one th...
you said."Where do
you think you're
going?" Zalgo said.
away from here and
from you." you
said.He chuckled and
shook his head. You
were confused and
tilted your head a
thinking you can
^Nyx-Valentine arrived in our community and started whipping everyone into a frenzy with her relentless desire to bring the Artistic Nude and Fetish galleries to the fore. 9 years later, and it's safe to say that Nyx is not only a leader as a photographer in these galleries, but she has also established herself as a much saught after model. ^... Read More